Busy

Hey! I’m writing this as I’m heading out the door, I was going to say “I’m literally writing this as I’m heading out the door”, but I refuse to be one of those people who are literally doing everything like right now!

I’m going out on the town, not for beers I haven’t had a drink in many years – I always feel the need to complete that sentence by saying “Not that I have a drink problem I just don’t drink” I really shouldn’t have to justify why I don’t drink but people are waiting for me to tell why I don’t when I say it – I’m actually heading to an open mic night again. It has done wonders for my self-confidence and seems to play with my anxiety in a way I’ve never felt before, it’s goading it to come out and try it’s best to stop me, but when I get up in front of people it retreats back into it’s dark corner somewhere in my head.

Now let me tell you I am not funny, my act is all over the place, it’s clunky and doesn’t flow. I thought it was great until I first performed it, things that seem funny and witty in your head aren’t when they come out of your mouth!

To be honest I don’t really care, it’s all part of getting better and I can’t see any other way of getting better than showing off your worst. I tend to laugh at myself and that makes me vulnerable to the audience who  end up on my side and I just talk to them. I don’t talk about anything serious I talk about me. I talk about my anxiety and panic.

My very first joke after I explained about my anxiety was to ask the audience not to look at me as I performed as I won’t feel the pressure of everyone looking at me, and if I fall over not to worry it’s just a panic attack. But if I don’t get up after about 4 minutes then call an ambulance. You can never be too carefree!

To be honest it got one laugh. And that was out of pity. I think I’d have preferred the ambulance.

At the time my biggest fear was that I’d provoke the crowd in to heckling me, but it never happened. Goes to show your biggest fear may never become a reality. So what’s all the panic about?

The Noise

The alarm clock announcing yet another day. The blood rushing through my ears. The beat of my heart. The man on the bus speaking incoherently. The out of tune radio. The clacking keyboard. The grinding metal wheels on metal track. The ding of meal time. The darkness.

The amplified noise of anxiety.

Pushing Myself

I pushed myself and stood in front of a crowd to perform. The only thing I noticed when I was up there was the beam from the light cutting through the heat in the room as it lit up the dust and made it sparkle, it was quite captivating but also extremely distracting. But I did it. And I’ll do it again.

Can you believe it’s been a year already!

I just got Christmas and the New Year out of the way, I still get annoyed at myself for not being able to enjoy the social gatherings that go with it.

While most are looking forward to and always chatting about going out for drinks, dinner and night clubs, I’m spending my time thinking about how I’m going to get out of it.

I’ll turn up and go through the motions, make an excuse and leave early. Never drinking, I gave it up years ago, so I can always drive there and more importantly know how I’m getting home.

All through the night I’m in pain. Pain from controlling my anxiety to keep it all going. Keeping it all looking good on the outside.

But this is how I survive. And I’m not overly unhappy about it. At least I’m now a functioning anxious mess as opposed to the static blob I once was.

So roll on all those awkward gatherings to celebrate annual milestones, I’m ready to take you on. In my own way.

 

Over thinker: The Haircut.

The other day while having a shave I noticed my hair was at its most perfect. Or perfect for me anyway. It’s been about three weeks since my last cut, which means I’m going to be due my next in about a week or so. This got me thinking about how long a haicut lasts.

After some concerns about the junk that fills my head I proceeded to break it down into some kind of timeline.

I figured that for every haircut you spend the first week getting a bit of growth to get over that ‘just cut’ look. The next week it’s just starting to get somewhat manageable. Coming into the the third week it’s starting to look good. By the end of the third week it’s looking awesome, its like hair nirvana, you’re thinking this is so good wouldn’t it be great if there was a pill that would just keep it like this.

The fourth week it’s coming off its peak, you think you can use an extra bit of gel or just dampen to make it look respectable. But its all in vain, from three or four days into that week it’s beyond your skill level. You need to reset the timeline with a trip to the barber.

According to my calculations you only get one good looking hair week for every haircut. That’s not great value now is it?