Busy

Hey! I’m writing this as I’m heading out the door, I was going to say “I’m literally writing this as I’m heading out the door”, but I refuse to be one of those people who are literally doing everything like right now!

I’m going out on the town, not for beers I haven’t had a drink in many years – I always feel the need to complete that sentence by saying “Not that I have a drink problem I just don’t drink” I really shouldn’t have to justify why I don’t drink but people are waiting for me to tell why I don’t when I say it – I’m actually heading to an open mic night again. It has done wonders for my self-confidence and seems to play with my anxiety in a way I’ve never felt before, it’s goading it to come out and try it’s best to stop me, but when I get up in front of people it retreats back into it’s dark corner somewhere in my head.

Now let me tell you I am not funny, my act is all over the place, it’s clunky and doesn’t flow. I thought it was great until I first performed it, things that seem funny and witty in your head aren’t when they come out of your mouth!

To be honest I don’t really care, it’s all part of getting better and I can’t see any other way of getting better than showing off your worst. I tend to laugh at myself and that makes me vulnerable to the audience who  end up on my side and I just talk to them. I don’t talk about anything serious I talk about me. I talk about my anxiety and panic.

My very first joke after I explained about my anxiety was to ask the audience not to look at me as I performed as I won’t feel the pressure of everyone looking at me, and if I fall over not to worry it’s just a panic attack. But if I don’t get up after about 4 minutes then call an ambulance. You can never be too carefree!

To be honest it got one laugh. And that was out of pity. I think I’d have preferred the ambulance.

At the time my biggest fear was that I’d provoke the crowd in to heckling me, but it never happened. Goes to show your biggest fear may never become a reality. So what’s all the panic about?

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