Why why why why why? Bloody why!

I’ve gotten used to panic attacks occurring when I’m tired or feeling under pressure. I’ve learned to control them, or even pre-empt them so they don’t affect me too much. Don’t get me wrong it’s still pretty hard to cope with, controlling them can be tough. It can actually hurt. Physically. It uses muscle power to keep them at bay, draining you of energy.

My ‘why why why’ outburst comes from an episode I had today at lunch. I’m still hurting from it now. I had an anxiety attack while eating and conversing with some colleagues. And I don’t know where it came from! It was one of those out of the blue attacks. No warning. The worst kind.

What the hell is going on here? I just got this urge to get the hell out. An overriding feeling that something bad was going to happen. I don’t even know what. It’s this sense of impending doom, it’s just so over-whelming.

I’m so well practiced that I can hide an attack very well. So well in fact that, I even impress myself with my cloaking abilities.

I made my excuses and left. The walk back to the car was horrendous, I thought I wouldn’t make it. The second I sat into the car I started to feel normal again. It’s infuriating.

I was having a good time then that happened, now I’m outside, there’s no going back in now. Why why why?